Divorce

Growing up I didn’t personally know anyone who had been divorced. I had a few friends whose parents were divorced, but it wasn’t anything I ever asked them about. My parents believe in working things through, they would always say divorce wasn’t an option for them. Divorce is something I don’t understand. I’m fortunate that most of my relatives have remained married, until recently I didn’t really see the devastation that broken marriages can bring.

The first encounter I got to personally know a family who had gone through divorce was while serving as a missionary for my church. This family was broken. The mom was a drug addict who had a steady stream of different men coming in and out of the house. The dad had been recently released from jail and was on probation. Their girls had three places they could stay at: mom’s apartment, maternal grandmother’s house, and dad’s mobile home. There were many problems within the home, and I often felt the children were the ones who suffered the most. I so wished for the girls to have a better home, but unfortunately their parents weren’t capable of providing such care.

Divorce isn’t the only thing that separates families, I understand there are many different circumstances that affect the family situation, but this post is to focus on responsible individuals who have been divorced but are able to come together still and have a happy family life.

One of the last areas in my mission, I met a family who was able to form a new life together after divorce. When I met them they no longer had any kids at home. One day we were helping with a project in their home, the wife, Kristy shared the story of how they met. She had been a single mom for a few years and had newly started a job at a fish hatchery. It was there that she met John. They became friends at work, and started helping each other with different projects. They eventually married, and together they made new traditions. John as the new dad in the home, let Kristy handle the punishments for her children, but he made a strong point to support his wife in her decisions and did all he could to be supportive to his new children. Together they created a new home, it wasn’t always easy but they each made sure to watch out for one another.

In class, we talked a lot about the importance of blending these broken families together. It takes a lot of work and commitment, especially on the parents’ part, but it’s manageable, it’s possible. I was grateful for the class this week because as I mentioned before I don’t understand this subject. The insight I gained helped me to see that life is possible after devastation.

In conclusion, this post was to talk about hope after your family has been broken. There’s always a choice in how you’re going to move forward. Learn from your mistakes. Apologize when you hurt others, and do what you can to heal when you have been hurt.

Parenting: a note to my kids

            To my children

I think about you often. I don’t have you yet, but to me, you are everything. You’re the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I’m doing all I can to be ready to raise you up to all you can become. I am your mother, your protector, your confidant, and friend. I will be there for you to pick you up when you fall, to wipe your tears when you cry, and hold you when you are scared.

I love you and I always will.

            Our home will be a place of safety, and refuge from the world around you. We’re going to be a council, that means everyone in our home has a say and each person’s thoughts are valued. Your dad and I will lead and guide each of you and help you in every way we can.

            When you make mistakes or do something wrong, I won’t yell at you or make you feel small. We’ll look at the problem together to see why it was wrong and how we could do better.

I’m setting goals and learning what kind of mom I want to be, so when I have you, you’ll be able to rely on me.

            I often picture our home and it’s full to the brim with our lives. I’ll be the first to get up in the morning, we’ll each get ready for our day then have breakfast together before we go to our different activities. Your dad or I will take you to school. I take care to clean our house and make it a place where everyone feels welcomed and loved. When you come home from school I’ll have snacks for you. We’ll have fruits and vegetables, I’ll give you special treats occasionally, just know I’ll feed you food that is going to help you grow healthy and strong. Together we’ll work on your homework, if we can’t figure it out together we’ll find a tutor to help us out. Our family likes to read, and we take time to do so. The books on our shelves have been loved, some pages have been colored on, but we know the stories and we often tell them to each other. My music will often fill our home, you’ll learn the words to some of my favorite songs and one day, even find some of your own tunes.

            Your dad and I are a team. You will often see us together at the dinner table going over our budget to see how we can best use our means to support our family. We love each other, and you’ll often see us conversing together, always improving and working towards the goals that we have as parents.

            We’re a religious family. I think the most important lesson you can gain from our home is that you are a child of God and he loves you very much.

            There’s a poem I found when I was younger and I’ll read it to you one day. It starts at the home, the path is strewn with lavender bushes, there are kittens playing in the yard and you can see the sun as it goes down. Inside, the walls are covered with photos of us. The kids are each asleep in their beds. The house creaks a lullaby as mom and dad sit close together by the fireplace, reminiscing about their day.

            One day we’ll meet and I’m going to do all I can to help you become who you were meant to be. Overall just know that I love you, more than you know. For now, I’m learning all I can to be a good mom.

Counseling

         I’ve always been intrigued by the way people communicate. Whether through speaking, gestures, media, or music. The problem we’ve all faced, the question we have all asked ourselves, is this: “Did I understand what they said right?” Unfortunately, what others mean can be lost as it’s being communicated. It can be frustrating, and sometimes a little disheartening when you feel misunderstood. It’s an issue many of us face, but it also means that we’re not alone in misunderstanding. Recognizing the truth, that we’re not alone, I hope to turn our attention to a couple of words, counsel and council.      

         To counsel means, to give advice, while council means, an assembly or meeting for consultation or advice. Ideally, as we grow up and move away from home we can form our own, councils, to counsel with.

Growing up, I kept things to myself. I never shared what bothered me, what made me feel happy or sad, I just held everything in, to the point of bursting. I was nineteen-years old when I finally broke.  

At nineteen, I was in Idaho, serving a mission for my church. I had been out in the field for about 4 months, when I started to fall apart. Part of keeping everything to yourself means (to me anyway) that you lie. It was my way to show that I had a handle on things and I didn’t need anyone’s help. Up and to this point, the only person who I felt knew the real me, and still liked me was God. Needless to say, I didn’t think He liked the way I was living, but I continued because I didn’t think people would like me otherwise and I didn’t know how to stop. Then, four months into my mission I got put with a companion who changed my mind. She drove me crazy, we were complete opposites, and she quickly caught onto the fact that I would lie. She called me out on it and said, “every time you tell someone a lie, we have to make it true, so choose carefully.” I started to hate her, but it made me recognize how often I would spout out things, just so I could move along. It was humiliating, and I wanted to change. One night, I gathered my courage and told my companion what things I had been dishonest about with her. She began to cry, then shouted that she hated me. Her words cut me deep, I can’t remember what I said back, most likely that I hated her too. I went into the laundry room of that shared small apartment, and wept. Mostly because I felt she had been right in hating me, I hated me. Later that night, we came together, weakly said our apologies, had prayers together and went to bed. I laid awake, tears stinging my eyes. My companion had fallen asleep, I fell to my knees and the words “Do I need counseling?” left my mouth.  A clear yes entered my head, and for the first in what felt a very long time, I felt loved and relief seemed to sweep over me. Later, after a few phone calls, a couple of tests, and a set date for an appointment, I met with a counselor. My first couple of appointments I would start to share but tears would soon take over and I was unable to speak. He began having me write things down in a composition notebook and we were able to go from there.

         A lot has changed about me from counseling, from finding people who I know I can trust and who love me. Lying isn’t a guilt I carry around anymore. I’ve been able to find my council or group of people who I can come to a consensus with. I’ve learned to ask questions, if I don’t understand something. I’ve learned correct ways of communicating with others and it’s brought so much joy and friendship into my life. Learning how to communicate in kind and respectful ways has improved my life. I’m grateful for my poor nineteen-year old self, who was able to communicate her need for help.

I still watch how people communicate with each other, and I feel I’m better at recognizing more positive councils, then I was a few years ago. Communication, counseling together, is really what brings people together, or what tears them apart. My experience has taught me that I get to choose who’s in my council. I get to choose what I share, and what I want to understand better. I’m grateful for the ability to communicate, and I think all of us should learn how to better share our feelings with one another.